Back in the game
Monday, May 5, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
After a super long hiatus, AYE PEOPLE IM BACK TO BLOGGING.
Guess there's wayyyyyy too much occuring in my life.
Yes.
I swear to God I never expected most of recent things happening to actually stumble on my toes.
Where am I gonna start.
WARNING: ITS GOING TO BE A LENGTHY POST BECAUSE ITS FROM MARCH & ITS MAY NOW SO YOU ARE BEING WARNED.
Right. Okay.
Project Resilience ((13-14 march i guess i forgot the exact date)) was the event I genuinely enjoyed so MUCH.
It was hella rad bc actually got to bond with several pals.
Thereafter, on the SAME DAY, we rewarded ourselves with SHABU SHABU
NEED 4 SPEED WITH THE ANNEHS ♥️
-MARCH HOLIDAYS-
First two days was lit seminar! Managed to spent some quality time with #LOINS ♥️
It was quite unforgettable especially because of this lecturer Ms Lingehswari.
Ok initially I have no idea who the hell is this lady. So I saw her talking to another lady giving out notes so when I saw she stopped speaking to her, I ((unintentionally)) interrupted her conversation with that lady & as I was asking "Hi, can I have 4 Romeo & Juliet notes for Punggol Secondary?"
SHE GLARED AT ME AND I SWEAR TO GOD I KNOW BECAUSE THE EDGE OF MY EYES WERE DARTED TO HER DIRECTION AND I SAW HER FACE OMFG IT WAS EVEN MORE HUMILIATING when we stepped in the lecture hall & REALIZED SHE IS OUR LECTURER.
-oh shit crap-
Lovin this shot! Thanks Filment! ♥️
DAY 2-
After the last lit seminar, managed to catch up with Khai :3
Literally gossiped a lot the entire day especially oh god our whore radar were on max.DAY 3
IT WAS CATCHING UP WITH GOOD FRIENDS. I SWEAR OMFG DIVERGENT WAS A DISSAPOINTMENT ((bc the book was obviously better)) haha who am i kidding duh
DAY 4
MORNING WAS SPENT WITH PANDAAAAAAAAA :3 omf starbucks is one hell of a good place to chill bc
1) theres this hot barista
2) the environment
3) the beverages ((and food oh my holy moly))
Wasn't expecting us to have superrr deep conversations but we did & stay strong okay ♥️
In the afternoon was with my amazing girl ♥️
Okay initially we head to town to this awesome Japanese restaurant: Yayoiken. It was at 313 Somerset!
Went shopping and while on the way back the train broke down and it literally stopped at Little India ((we were genuinely torn between cabbing home or train)) which ultimately leads to TRAIN HAHAHAHAHAAH
FAST FORWARD TO APRIL-
The day we got caught for using omegle ooh damn.
Okay so Mr Chiang wasn't in class bc he was away to god knows where.
I completed my shit so I was bored & I started yelling "LETS OMEGLE GUYS"
Which leads then to the teacher telling Ms Ng && she went on blabbering shit like "Do you know it's an offense misusing the school computer?!"
Wow okay chill.
She threatened us to write a letter ((i did okay bc im a good student HAHA ok rubbish))
and the day after was MTPS ((meet the parents session))
She asked my mom if she was aware bc she thinks I'm afraid to tell my parents shit oh come on I told my mom that Friday night & she started laughing her head off exclaiming Ms Ng needs to chill her shit out ((im not even kidding))
Results was so shitty omf
If I can recall vividly-
I failed amath & science ((well not surprising))
English was 56 or 57 but yeah IT WAS SHITTY bc the top was like 65? or 62 i cant remember but uGH DAMN I WAS SO MAD
Emath was 57 WOOOOO HAHAHAHAHA I THANK ANGELINE SENSEI FOR EVERYTHING
MT was 55 ((ooh bc i failed the first test && i heard it pulled my B down ew how demoralizing))
Comb humans was okay bc it was like 59 ((altho its a pain in the arse bc i got an A for history but wow apparently i failed SS so badly it literally pulled down my A to a C)). how annoying.
Lit was 69! I AM SO MAD I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A B FOR LITERATURE FROM SEC 1-4 EVER AND WOW I AM SO MAD.And Mr Low was annoying he kept snapping at how science is very important & I got so pissed I cut him
"Sorry Mr Low but apparently I'm opting out for Lasalle & Science wasn't in the requirement of subjects."
HE WENT STRAIGHT SILENT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH HELL YEAH
Mr Foo was nice enough to read out remarks from teachers ((nice remarks okay)) kinda feel uplifted AT THAT MOMENT MHMMM
Somewhere around mid may with anneh gang ♥️
Went home with Haiqal yay yay yay
Glad how close we became and managed to talk shit spontaneously y'know what I mean?????
LIT LEARNING JOURNEY TO ACJC BC ROMEO AND JULIET PLAY
kawaii-desu
It was quite enjoyable.
At first me & Channie went like "AWWWW THEY'RE SO CUTE AHHHH"
ooh especially when they started dancing bc Romeo was so cute.
Slowly near 3/4 of the ending, Sharifah, Farhanah knocked out like they literally dozed off HAHAHAAH and Channie kept stammering how it needs to end
"FASTER TAKE THE DAGGER AND STAB YOURSELF BITCH" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
So then we left early ((actually after the death scene))
Went home with moses & he was like a drunkard walking home HAHAHAHA it was only 11 omf i swear people who cant make it through 12 are not party animals hahahahahaha ((kidding))
The day after was so hella fun bc spent with good mates at Clarke Quay!
LOVIN THIS SHOT!
Thanks Nata! ♥️
I WAS AN HOUR LATE WHOOPSIE ok i am the kind of person who dislikes tardiness but ultimately im late in the end holy moly.
Outings with anneh gang ((was actually quite a lot))
I'm actually quite lazy to typed out everything basically we head to town a lot together yay yay yay
SPORTS DAY ♥️
Actually quite glad to spent most of my time with them! HAHAHAHAHA
:3
:D
AT THE EVENING WAS THE ULTIMATE CHOIR REUNION CONCERT BEFORE WE SEC 4S ARE STEPPING DOWN IT WAS SO SAD OMFG
so much hugs & so much tears. javian was uber sweet to me i went on full hug for a solid 30 seconds ((IT WAS THAT LONG I SWEAR))
Another event was Putri's birthday celebration party ♥️
FOOD WAS AMAZING omf her mom was so warm and friendly && her dad constantly asking me to take more HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Till next time,
firfir2x
I traipse upon the hateful life
Sunday, March 2, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
Life is never easy for me. Pain is genuinely always there. Each day, issue after issue come hollering at me like I'm their kid. Why? Just why?
I am aware I push a lot of people aside. Maybe I am isolating myself. But then again, there are also a handful number of people who simply think it's okay to walk out on me like I'm a ragged doll. They holla at me, say cute & sweet things, stay for a while like I'm a pit stop to their destination. Then left once they're done screwing me. No one knows how used and damaged I feel. I stopped sharing my issues with my close pals or even talk about the minor cool deets that has been going on in my life. The constant reminder that alarms "no one cares shut up" makes me realized that literally no one gives a shit. They're simply curious and probably laugh behind my back I'm weak enough or foolish bc I sheepishly allow the tiny little crap irks me.
Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I overanalyze things but most of the time, my instincts are scarely accurate and I cannot express how mortifying it is.
Recently I found out I was toyed. Don't wanna sound like a hopeless romantic but I genuinely felt used and toyed. How would you feel if someone you like been sweet talking to you and sending cute things. Until one day, everything just stops. And they claims that they are into single life but not long, you kinda have the vibe that they're dating someone else? Do you feel cheated? And worst, they said it's okay to continue to develop feelings for them, indicating to wait for them. But waiting for them is like drought. It's never going to rain despite how much you pray for it to happen.
Heart-wrenching isn't it?
Let's move on to appearance & personality.
Exactly what I'm trying to cope with. I received compliments on how good I look and how amazing my life is. Well I'm sorry but I can't seem to accept them. I'm not good enough. I guess bc one of my friends constantly telling me "ew" and "loser" and "ugly" at me every single time. Even though she's really nice, I feel like she's right. I have ugly things. I'm fat. I'm not even goodlooking & my life is shitty.
I get insecure a lot. God knows how much I cry bc I am on the nerve of giving up in life. It's genuinely depressing enough to see goodlooking guys out there and being able to pull off anything. And then when I try to buy clothes I find to be attractive to make me happy, my friend would simply say how ugly they are. I really don't know. Sometimes I want to ignore her and simply cut her out, but she's been a good friend. I have not demoralize her in any way neither have I bitch about her, but look at how I'm being treated?
Idk, maybe I am a horrible person after all. I'm not a good person. People hate me. No one really cares. Parents are always out. House is always empty. Alone.
Best friends change, and I left some bc I am just sO DONE getting put down every single time by their remarks.
People can come with their problems and I'd be gladly to help bc I know what it feels like to be alone and not having anyone to be there. However, when it comes to me, not everyone is there. I really feel alone. I feel like I'm disconnecting myself out of life. I'm not exactly happy nowadays. If I do not cry & laugh along everything, I'm just basically numb to the pain and fabricating it with joy that maybe could get me through the day.
I miss my blissful life. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss my friends who were before they turned into monsters. Inevitably, I miss assholes who made me feel like I'm at the top of the world; feeling a sense of secure and safe.
Now every fun little thing is gone by the wind.
Nothing left for me to doubt
Sunday, February 9, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
Aye. I am completely aware I have not update my blog for an uber long time. School has feeding to my soul & there's just so much happening and the term "blogging" legitimately slipped away from my fingertips. I came back because I feel it's excruciating for me to keep things in & all these pain is my liability that I realize just kept on chasing after me.
I do not really want to pen down every occurence that cause me to make me feel this way bc words will probably get around and I want it to be a touch & go kind of topic.
"I don't know what's worse: drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst." I can't help it, I welcome sadness. Sometimes, I feel like sadness is my closest friend yet my worst enemy at the same time. Sadness is always there for me and I know it; I depend on it. When I feel like I have nothing else, sadness welcomes me. People always leave, but you know what's always there for me when they do? Sadness, of course. Sometimes the sadness overcomes me and I can't take it anymore. Sometimes I crave sadness when I feel like I've been alienated by everything else. It's a constant battle, and I couldn't tell you which is worse. If only the same could be said about happiness. Not many people complain when they're happy, and if they do, I will gladly take their place. Sometimes, people don't appreciate the good things, the little things, and the things that matter most. Even appreciating them doesn't help my sadness wave all the time so I don't understand how they're so "okay." But maybe they aren't okay. Maybe it's all a mask to hide the effects of the waves of sadness that wash over everyone. Maybe I'm not the only one stuck in this confusing mess – I wouldn't be surprised. Considering how well I can hide my feelings, I wouldn't be surprised if anyone I've met in my sixteen years of living in a small tiny little red dot, Singapore would actually feel the exact same way. No one asks questions anymore. And if for some reason someone takes a moment to ask if someone else is doing alright, they don't listen to the answer. They most definitely don't look at the face of the person they're asking either. If they did, they would notice the moment of hesitation, fear, and uncertainty. I get that feeling all the time. I don't want to say anything but I want to say everything. They also wouldn't notice that when I seem happy, my eyes reveal everything. Sure, good things happen and they make me happy but somehow I manage to get thrown back under the waves again at the end of the day. It's not controllable anymore. The waves wash over me randomly and I still haven't figured out whether I hate it or not. If the whole idea of sadness went away, what would we have in times of despair and loneliness? What would we feel when someone died? I'm stuck between wishing I could control sadness and wishing it could go away entirely. It's a strange concept really, and I don't know if anyone in this world understands. I can't ask anyone, they'll probably think I'm crazy. I guess I'll just stick with the happy face and hope no one interrogates when the smile doesn't quiet reach my eyes – they even notice at all. A smile can pretty much hide whatever I want it to. Sadness comes in waves, and happiness is the spot on the sand where the water will only touch your toes.
Problems are blooming in my life. Relationships and school. Literally everything. If you want to be in my shoes bc of everything I indulge in ((clothes, shoes, shopping)), you're so wrong. I indulge in these goodness bc it is a temporary remedy to my pain. Like "ooh that shirt is nice I'm buying it." I may be happy for a short period of time but then my head etched the most hurtful incident/matter.
"You should be grateful your parents are rich."
But really. No matter how much clothes or things I buy, I can never be happy. One reason is people walking out on me. I'm sorry I am not a good friend. I am sorry I am not a good person. I am sorry I am hideous and fat enough to not even be regarded as "nice" or "amazing."
Sometimes I like being naked. It's easy stripping yourself for someone just for their pure satisfation but it's never easy opening up your insecurity to someone and would still accept you for who you are. That naked is what I value the most.
Borderline
Tuesday, January 21, 2014, ϟ 0 shout(s)
Being a 15 year old going onto 16 is not easy. Especially since Sec 4 is a critical & short year. Teachers have been cramming & rushing through syllabus for fear that we are not prepared for O levels. I have been doing self revision on A Math ((yes math omfg and i can actually comprehend it)) & History. I realized that in History, there's so much more rather than just plainly advocating yourself to immersed into a book & notes about legendary dead people. ((i know for sure hitler is one)) Satisfied at the fact I could memorize most of the notes of last year! ((Thank God))
Catching up on my life! BORING. Honestly! I can safeguard a hieroglyphic description that I spend 5 days ((ok maybe 6 if you add up the number of hours i spend on studying and schoolwork on weekends)) being a minion for school. I can genuinely feel it is feeding in my soul & I guess I had to adapt to the crazy schedule I have with tuitions & making time for myself & everything. It's really insane. I've never pictured my life would turn out this way. THIS BUSY.
Last year I only had E Math tuition. This year it's both E & A Math, Phy & Chem & my mom is considering English too?! I was like "WTF?! Is an A not enough yet?!" It'll be a waste of money & time omfg.
I always get questions on how I could do so well & okay here's the deal; read. ((john green specifically bc he's one hell of a good writer & watch as many american/brit tv show as you can & for every word you do not understand, just google them & try & use it on your everyday conversations. well of course depending on who your friends are i mean you don't go & start speaking like you're Martha Stewart to a bunch of people who strictly speaks Singlish right????))
Enough of the blabber. After the Starbucks-Darrel thingy, a week thereafter, I head down to Lasalle open house!
It was from 11am-5pm! Was supposed to meet Enya & Shaz at like 2 but I was late so we ended up meeting at 2:30-2:45 whoopsie HAHA
IT WAS SO PRODUCTIVE I SWEAR.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AMAZING THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE SCHOOL IS?!
LASALLE COLLEGE OF THE ARTS IS MY DREAM SCHOOL OMFG and the courses there got me head over sneakers ((i dont use the word heels bc im a guy))
So anyway I was really interested in the Fashion course! They gave us a goodie bag and a book of courses they offered!
Aiming for this!
Spoke to the lecturers there and they told us many aspects and what we're going to expect and what we're going to do when it comes to dealing in the Fashion industry & it's really abstract & something not generic ((which i LOOOOVvvEEEe))
One of the students there spoke to me too like she was like "Oh I'm in Fashion! Year 1 tho but in Lasalle, it's very competitive & if you don't submit your work on time or if you fail you will be kicked out." & I was like "Bring in on bitch." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Also, I kinda decided that I wanna continue in pursuing Fashion in BA (Hons) bc the courses in Lasalle for BA (Hons) is so intimidating & I was like "AHHHHHHHHHH" & the lecturer was like "You can go for the Diploma one first & after you graduate, you'll serve your NS & then you can come back and pursue your BA (Hons)" & I was silently screaming in my soul bc I was really interested in Fashion Media.
Talked to my parents about my path & I'm really glad they're so supportive of what I want despite how insanely the cost of school fee is in Lasalle. Whoops.
Roamed around the school & it was huge & we decided to be in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
On Saturday, went to Lasalle open house ((again)) with Hash! She wants me to accompany her but it was a short one bc she had work and it starts at 5 and we were waiting for a bloody cab for close to an hour omfg.
She look so kawaii.
EDWIN GOH!!!!!!!!!
After taking the pic, Hash was like "manslut" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Spotted a couple of really smoking hot bbq grilled people erghmagawd.
Sunday was the Edusave Awards Ceremony! I was really excited bc moneh! ((cmon man whos not happy bc of moneh like HOLA SHOPPING))
The entire ceremony was long enough. I was painstakingly waiting for it to end bc I was having flu & as I see people going up collecting the award, I was like "goddammit when is this gonna end"
However tho, the food was good. Went for a 2nd serving HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Thereafter, went over to Town with cousin for some shopping!
Satisfied bc I got what I wanted. Hehehe
Life's good. Was gonna check out Marc Jacobs bc I love the watches there but there's not much time left to shop bc it was late :( Well it isn't my fault anyway, the queue for the changing room at both Topman & H&M were so long I got frustrated. Like a guy brought in 6 garments. Took about an hour in there, stepped out, & put it all back. WTF????!!!!???!!!!
Tell me I'm kawaii :P ((ok no HAHA))
On Monday I was so sick I went home right after Milestones! Got an MC for 3 days!!!!!!!!!!! It was a mixed feelings bc
yay- i dont have to see peasants duh
nay- missing classes & missing a day of school especially on my O Levels year is detrimental enough.
On the side note, can't wait to meet up with Syaafq this Friday! & maybe shopping with Cassie & Eileen on Saturday! Yay! Good vibes, good vibes!
Guess I have a lot of catch up to do for school! Yikes! :\
new past